Ballad of an Unethical Baptism

On Monday night, we had  a special event at the seminary where two of our ethics professors (Ron Cole-Turner and Deirdre Hainsworth) responded to cleverly contrived ethical dilemmas submitted by the students.  The topics ranged from “What do I do if I catch the treasurer looking at porn on the church computer?” to “How do I handle attraction to a member of my congregation?”.  Thanks to the organizing talents of our friend Doodle, students posed these questions through a variety of creative media: video, song, improvised drama.  At Doodle’s request, I wrote and played a special song for the event posing a question about baptism.    I’ve had several people ask for copies of the words, so here they are.  Imagine it being sung to the tune of “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever”.

The Ballad of an Unethical Baptism

To the melody of:  I Could Sing of Your Love Forever


Over the phone she called to me,

asking will you baptize my grandbaby,

I said, “I don’t know, I have to check the Book of Order, W-2.3.

Are her parents members of our congregation?”

“No, the mom’s a Baptist and dad’s a Confucian,

But I want to get my grandbaby saved while they are on vacation.”


Would you baptize this baby?, Would you baptize this baby?



“It doesn’t work that way,” I started to explain,

She cut me off and started to exclaim,

“This baby needs to be baptized ASAP, even today.

Just come right over to my house and we’ll

have a private ceremony and I’ll fill,

up the birdbath I have in the backyard, it’ll be so peaceful.”



Would you baptize this baby?, Would you baptize this baby?


So I started to refuse the baptism,

Then I remembered that it’s stewardship season,

And Grandma’s tithe fully supports our church’s soup kitchen.

If I say “no” a hundred people will go hungry,

If “yes”, I’ll be tried by the PJC,

I don’t what to do, tell me would you,

would you, would you baptize this baby?




Oh, I feel like screaming at this lady right now,

Have you never read the Book of Order?!

You’re an elder of this church you should know better!!!


  1. Clever, indeed. Plus, you switched to wordpress and you have a calendar (I love the calendar!)



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